another moral hangover. fuck.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
