Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
