I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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