Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize