i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
