She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
