Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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