Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
