i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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