he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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