my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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