Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
