the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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