just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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