i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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