I smell stomach acid.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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