He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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