I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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