guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We're too hungover to prance.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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