Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
