ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
