my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
