i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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