If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
