Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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