The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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