I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
