NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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