Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize