hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
