If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
