Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's never too late to be topless.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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