You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize