My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
