I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
