Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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