i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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