im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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