Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
my liver is dry heaving
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
