So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
