so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
