he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
