I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
