I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
