I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
