I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have fence marks all over my body
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
