dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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