idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
