In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
