She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
