My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
