There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
