You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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