While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
