Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Still dying that you shit outside
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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