the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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