My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
