I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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